Joy

Lately I've been told to find my joy. To revel in it. To not let anyone take it away. But what does that mean? Is there an inherent joy I should be holding onto?

To me...joy is the space in time where for one instant the universe aligns. Everything comes together. A fleeting moment where you feel weightlessness from society's pressures. A vision where you say to yourself, "This. This is what I live for. This is what I want for myself." 

But what is joy really? A feeling? A notion? People talk about it so matter-of-factly but to be completely honest, it is an abstract construction of our own creation. We are told to "find happiness." "Attain joy." But how?

What I've concluded is that though joy is created, individuals go back in time to look for it. They look to what made them happy as children, teenagers, and young adults. They look to moments in time where places and people trigger nodes of recognition and safety that allowed them to give themselves to the universe.

But when it's gone; when it leaves, it is instantly replaced by sadness and longing. Longing to feel that joy again. Wanting to bask in its glory for days, years. An idealistic fantasy of what the world actually is. No, I don't mean to sound like a pessimist or a realist but maybe I'm stuck in limbo of wanting, needing and knowing. Maybe I haven't realized what I want for myself down the line. But I digress.

So how do I try to 'find' joy? I've come to realize that I have 'places.' Places in this world where time stops. Where I can sit for hours without my phone and just be. Be the individual I'm always trying so hard to find.

Sitting here in the Impressionism section of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I'm looking for who I used to be and who I want to continue to be through these paintings.  Each brush stroke tells a story and I merely want to be an avid listener of each tale. 

But my search for joy battles doubt. In going to these places, I find that I analyze and rationalize my actions since the last time I was here. What have I done since then? Have I accomplished anything? Am I a better person than I was months ago? Do others see me the way I see myself? The cacophony of questions racing through my mind seems endless but the silence these places hold puts them at ease. Whispering that, although I might not have it together at the moment, to keep living and creating good for others around me. Maybe selflessness wins out for me. Maybe doing things for others, as small as it might be, is that brings me ultimate joy. Maybe it's in the actions, the feelings, the happiness they stir. Even writing that brings a small smile to my face so possibly, I'm on the right track. I'm a big believer in attracting those with infectious, positive energy around me to continue espousing it into our world. Smiling doesn't take energy. Laughing doesn't take energy. And if they do, then so be it. 

Seeing the hoards of people surrounding me, carrying on with their daily lives, reminds me that the world is bigger that the one I've seemed to have created for myself. Maybe it's these paintings and all this time spent in these rooms that has me so sappy.

But today, at this moment, I find myself content to be surrounded by complete stranger for a common cause of appreciating beauty and paying homage to the work of those who came before us. It's a beautiful thing when love and appreciation triumph over everything else. I guess today I can claim joy. Own it to its fullest potential. Tomorrow begins the battle to find it all over again but for today, for this moment, I've won out.

 

Stream of Consciousness

Stream of consciousness. That's how people tell me I write so I guess I believe them. I guess the biggest thing for them is that I don't go back and revise my blog posts

Sorry I'm not sorry.

I like to think a lot. I mean yeah so does everyone else. But I mean I like being alone with my thoughts. Hanging out in a cafe for hours. I used to get antsy being alone. Now I relish in it. I know some enjoy people watching and occassionally I do too. But I've actually gotten to a point where I'm conscious about what other people think when I'm just sitting there. IF they're observing me, what do they think I'm thinking? Writing a paper? Goofing off on Facebook? Most people tell me that when I look at my computer screen I have a determined look on my face, like I'm working hard on something. Sorry to disappoint that my facial features don't translate to a school paper but I feel like blogging still quantifies it right?

I try not to think about tomorrow. What I'll be doing etc.

I have a hard time letting go of control. My mother, past relationships and friends can tell you that. I have a hard time letting go of control because I grew up always having to be in control of my own destiny. Or at least that's what I thought at the time. Being here in NYC exacerbated that control. I always need to plan my weekends days in advance, knowing what I'll be doing from one hour to the next but making sure my neuroticism was never written down. If it's not written down, no one will know how obsessive I am about it right? People say they admire me for always knowing what to see, what to do, where I'm going. But again, it's the control. It consumes me. That and the need to 'win.' The need to be the best. The need to be recognized without anything being explictly said. 

It's neurotic I know. I should go to a shrink, I know. But I feel like the events that have happened in my life have shaped me that way. Sometimes I feel bad for the person I'll end up with. How she'll have to be the complete opposite or be willing to fight with my control self. To make me let go, ditch plans and just be spontaneous. 

Though to be fair to myself, I feel like I'm spontaneous sometimes. But it's never when I already have plans. It's more of a 'let's go on an adventure' kind of way. I'll go, say to the park. And walk and walk. Then I'll stumble upon something and then something else. I don't know if I can call that spontaneousness but I like to think so. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that feels that way. That plus the ADD I've seemed to develop as I've gotten older. Maybe it's the city that did this to me. I've always been a naturally curious person, looking around and trying to take in as much as I can in the world around me. Sometimes I notice what I'm doing and laugh at myself for trying to take so much in when my brain is clearly in overload. 

I dont know what it is, but I feel that is one main reason I decied to go into social media. Social media changes in a flash. When it comes to actual platforms being built, the next viral video or link, or what people are saying about a brand. It's terrifying and yet exhilarating. And I love every minute of it.

Anyway, that's enough for my stream of consciousness for one day. Off to bed.

Somebody That I Used To Know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die 
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember...

it's hard not to think of those moments. the small happy ones. my brain knows that my heart blinded me and that you were completely toxic to my being. The neediness, the negativity - I became attached to you as you did to me. One semester of happiness is all I seem to remember in the midst of all the bad. So many times I wanted to break up but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to fail.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

I didn't know how to fail but I wanted to so badly. I wanted to stay friends in the midst of everything and yet deep down we both knew that was a bad idea. There would always be resentment. There would always be anger. Fighting. 

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

The best way to sum up everything I feel. It's weird that this song is just now getting popular. But when I think of you I feel like I don't know who you are, what you stand for, or if i ever even knew you at all. It's not hard for me to look back on what happened because all I can think of is how glad I am that it's over. But at the moment when you cut me off, I'm not going to say it didn't hurt. And all I got in response was 'take care' That's all you were good for though. You were always shifting in emotions. I could never get a straight read. Straight. Hah. How ironic is that?

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

The cheating, the lying, the fights. Now that I think about it, you always used to spin it on me. That it was my fault. That I was making you unhappy. That you didn't know who to turn to. And yet I kept taking you back. All the bullshit excuses. All the pain and worry I went through were all in vain. You did it to yourself. You did it me ME and yet I was to blame for all of it. It took me a long time to get over that. And a long time to forgive myself for being such an idiot because you shouldn't have been worth my time from the very beginning. 

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
HAve your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

But now you're somebody that I used to know. And I'm at peace with that. Thank you. Thank you for everything you did. I'll always remember you as the girl that taught me everything not to do in a relationship. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve someone better and what standards I have for my next relationship. Thank you for being somebody that I used to know.

 

And for the best version of this song check this out:

(Lyrics from 'Somebody That I Used to Know' - Gotye ft Kimbra)

 

It Needs To Get Better Notre Dame

Just wanted to share the YouTube link to this great video made by Notre Dame student, faculty and staff about how things need to get better for LGBT members of community to create the inclusive family that the university says it strives for. We are all one Notre Dame family. So let's stop excluding our own.

 

Follow-up to 'Coming to terms with my homosexuality at the University of Notre Dame'

As I sit here at my computer, I'm shocked to see what I find. About 24 hours after I've posted the 'Coming to terms' article, the post has nearly 1000 hits. ONE.THOUSAND. Wow. It's incredible. Thank you to all who read my article and shared/passed it on to others. It has been incredible - the amount of pick up that it has gotten. And for that I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time to read my 2,200 word story. It's overwhelming really. I'm not used to receiving this much attention for something. But thank you from the bottom of my heart and keep fighting the good fight that we are all in together to bring more equality into this world. 

I wanted to clarify something from the post -

To be honest, I personally don't like the word 'homosexual.' Something about it irks me, probably because of the societal conotations it contains. But I thought it was important to mention it not only in the title but also throughout the post itself. For my own sake, I need to get more comfortable with the word and grow accustomed to it. With the articles I've seen lately and GOP candidates stances (cough Rick Santorum cough) I felt it was important to show the word not as a curse of some kind. But with a face behind the word. That yes I am a homosexual. And yes my relationship was that of the homosexual nature. And these are the things I went through. Plain and simple. I'm not here to attack your kids, my mind is not always on sex, and I know that Jesus loves me, not matter how judgmental you might be. Because in the end, it is Him that judges me, not you. So I can care less what you think. (That last part was not meant to sound bitchy, I promise haha)

A lot of people have given me praise for what I have written. And again, I thank you for the kind words, they mean so much to me. But I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm only one story in the struggle of LGBT rights at Notre Dame. And my struggle isn't that bad compared to what many, especially homosexual males, have had to face during their time at Notre Dame. But I plead with them, please tell your story. You don't have to suffer under the weight of it alone. From just the 1,000 hits, there are 1,000 people that love you already. 

Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to say that I love you all and thank you for the support. Spreading the movement, especially that of 4 to 5 is important. Though my blog post had to be cut down significantly to 1000 words, I hope the same message comes across when the post is published to HuffPost Gay and HuffPost College (WTF I'M BEING PUBLISHED?!). 

Have a great night <3

-T

Coming to terms with my homosexuality at the University of Notre Dame

First of all, the purpose of this essay/blog post isn't for any therapeutic purposes. I've come to terms with my sexuality and am a out and proud lesbian. I'm helping a friend with a project they're working on and in realizing that I would be writing my experiences down anyway, I thought it would be better to just get it out there. I'm not afraid of telling my story. I wasn't bullied, I wasn't abused. But if this helps any gay kids out there, whether going to Notre Dame or just in general, I can be happy. Plus, I'm bad at talking to my video camera to make an It Get's Better video so I'd rather write. All opinions are strictly my own. - T

"It must have been so hard for you, why would you do that to yourself?"

That's usually the first sentence I hear from LGBTQ people when I meet them here in New York for the first time when I tell them I recently graduated from Notre Dame. My first comeback in my head is always on the defensive, 'Why wouldn't I do that to myself? Notre Dame is a fantastic university and I don't regret my time there for one minute.' Then I remember that I don't know these people. I usually just smile and say 'I didn't know I was a lesbian until my second year.'

Rewind to sophomore year of college, March 2009. One of my best friends had two of her friends from home visiting us at school. They were both lesbians and dating each other at the time. I became close to one of them, whom the day after she left, decided to ask me over Facebook chat 'Soooo how long have you been gay?' I was shocked/appalled/taken aback etc. 'I'm not gay,' I thought. 'There's no...possible...way?' I got off the computer and sat in my dorm room contemplating this piece of information. I cried, I laughed, I reminisced, I screamed, cried some more. Three hours later, it all made sense. All the little signs. My 'root' story from when I was 5 years old. Why I was always so devastated when my best girl friends didnt want to hangout with me anymore. I ran downstairs into the room of my rectress (she was in charge of our dorm). I sat on her couch, shaking. She asked me what was wrong and because I had developed such a strong bond with her even though she was 30 years my senior, at that moment I didn't care about the Catholic implications of what I was about to tell her. But I finally spit it out, at the time saying I was bisexual. Her response? 'Oh honey, I don't want to upset you, but I already knew' Uh what. More on that later. But after venting to her for another hour and having her patiently listen to me as I was listening to myself 'discover' myself for the first time - it was...enlightening. She did more for me that night than she'll ever know, and I'll always be thankful for her kindness and trust. She always made sure I felt comfortable and that no one would mess with me in the dorm. I was one of her most cherished residents. Being gay didn't change that for her. [Mind you, she was the ONLY rectress who WASN'T a Sister, so I was really lucky]

A few weeks later, I was in my first ever lesbian relationship with the only gay person I knew at Notre Dame and she technically had only come out as bisexual as well. Yes, I definitely rushed into it, that I can acknowledge. But it felt so good to be with someone I wanted to be with and who wanted to be with me too. 

Then came the hard part. Coming out to all my friends at school. I ran in different circles - I had my business crowd, marketing specific crowd, boxing crowd, hispanic crowd, conservative Catholic crowd etc. Basically, I knew I was going to have to come out but had to tweak my story based on the crowd I was going to tell. I told them all, one by one (well the Hispanics spread it amongst themselves so that made my job easier) and about 80% of them said the same thing, 'Yeah I knew that already, so what?' Instead of feeling instantly relieved, I was frustrated. I would tell them 'WTF, YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDNT SAY ANYTHING?! I COULD HAVE KNOWN I WAS GAY EARLIER?!' And they would just shrug and say it was just something they had surmised. Go Figure. In everyone I told, only one girl stopped being friends with me because I was not straight. Which honestly is a completely surprising statistic. We had a screaming match about 'my sin' (can you guess what crowd she ran in?) and how she was worried about me going to hell etc across the quad. Very public. Very ugly. Something I'd never like to repeat again. But it made me learn how to deal with those types of people in the future. My answer? Don't deal with them. Don't get angry at them. Foster your anger towards the positive; the majority of other human beings who are on your side and love you. They're the ones your energy should go to, not the negative ones. Plus, her loss. I'm awesome. 

Being in a homosexual relationship at Notre Dame, in retrospect, was one of the hardest things in my life. We were accepted amongst our friends and things were fine. But stepping out of our comfort zone and walking down the quad holding hands, or sharing a kiss outside of a classroom - all those things that are accepted with heterosexual couples was completely taboo for us. We would get really intense stares while holding hands, some guys even chiding us. Girls would look with disgust. Kissing her as I dropped her off at her classroom was met with gaping mouths, whistling and 'Oh looks at those lesbian chicks.' It was humilitating. But we made sure to do it anyway. The next semester, we made it a mission to stop caring about other students might think and just be in our relationship our own way. Screw the culture, screw their dogma. We were going to be happy and we were going to show it. And boy was it hard. Our gay friends saw what we were doing and applauded us. They kept talking about how we were the only 'normal' and 'out' gay couple on campus that could care less about what people thought. And how much they wished they had what we had. But to be perfectly honest, I was hiding behind a fake smile the whole time. Being the 'perfect gay couple' had taken a bigger toll on our relationship than I had imagined. Every day I would think about how much I hated being in that relationship and how much I wanted out. But I didn't want to let down the community. I wanted to be a leader for them. I just didn't know how much longer I could take it. I was miserable and out of love. My caring of what others thought had transferred from the entire student body population to this small group of people. 

Now, with the heteronormative crowd - people would tell me how lucky I was to be in a same-sex relationship. I was able to bypass parietals (otherwise known as the curfew for being in an opposite sex dorm) to be with my significant other. They would tell me that they wished they were gay. But everytime they said that, I made sure to look them in the eye. If you really meant it, you would look me in the eye and say to me that you really wish you were gay. But none of them could every look back at me. They'd shy away and look at the ground. Don't say anything you don't mean. Especially when you don't know the hardships that surround it and what we had been struggling through. 

The chiding, the whistling, being referred to as 'those lesbo chicks' continued. I tried to drown them out. But there were particular instances where I couldn't. One particular instance is described below:

Women's boxing party, fall of 2009: I was still in a relationship with my girlfriend at the time. Since both of us had participated in boxing, we were celebrating our victories of the night with our other boxing friends, male and female. We made out a bit, kept giggling/touching - i.e. were being annoyingly adorable. We were out to everyone - but of course, it's not the norm so people paid extra special attention to us. Including one boy known as Nick. He came between the two of us and not so subtly insinuated that he 'wanted in.' In other words, could he be part of a threesome with the two of us. We looked at him appalled but not shocked. This wasn't the first time we had been asked this question. I found myself not getting angry at that question anymore (which I've now come to realize is sad) - instead I became frustrated by societal norms and what males thought was perfectly okay to ask two lesbian girls. I sighed because I had lost hope in the Notre Dame culture where I was expected to respond positively to an act that in his mind was completely normal. He grabbed my ass twice that night. I'll never forget how scared I was that he would corner us and take us upstairs by force. Needless to say, we left soon after.

My senior year of school, I decided to join the Core Council. The Core Council is the only recognized collective of LGBT students combined with staff to try to make a difference and to be there to help other LGBT kids who were struggling with coming to terms with their sexuality in one of the most closeted campuses in America. No it is not a club. It is the University's 'answer' to addressing LGBT issues. A committee that you must APPLY to be a part of. 10 people including the staff. There are other unofficial LGBT clubs on campus but that's the major issue, they're unofficial. These clubs have been struggling since 1997 to earn official recognition as student clubs so that they can get student funding just like every other club on campus. The university turns their despair into a huge cover up -> 'You have the Core Council, that should be enough.' Even being on the Core Council, I felt useless. Like I could be doing more but was constantly being stymied by the administration about what we were 'allowed' to do or not do. The frustration was equally felt by the staff that were a part of the group but they too couldn't push harder for fear of losing their positions. All they could do was be our allies, which helped. But the struggles are still being felt, even now that I've graduated and moved away from tiny South Bend, Indiana. Though I've physically moved away, I still feel their struggle and try to help them in whatever way I can - maybe to let them know that they're not alone in their fight. 

My time at Notre Dame wasn't all marred by negativity. The majority of my time at Notre Dame was positive. I made a lot of really good friendships and memories there. I also met a lot of amazing LGBT activists. Fantastic individuals who are doing so much for the LGBT community and doing what they can for current students. Having now graduated, I see it is a lot harder to get LGBT alums engaged in current affairs. Some of them have become jaded towards the University and decide to look at their time at Notre Dame with disdain due to their experiences. I feel for them, I honestly do. And I wish there was a way we could reach out. But I respect their opinions and decisions.

So thank you Notre Dame. Thank you for teaching me what discrimination looks like when it's not because of the color of my skin. I refuse to let more and more LGBT students on campus be affected by this. The 4 to 5 Movement is growing, I'm sure you know that. The Core Council and its responsibilities is growing, and I'm sure you know that too. I'll always hold a special place for you in my heart. But dammit, it's time for change or you'll get left behind with a progressive student body who grows to resent the administration.We need to move forward with the direction of change and keep fighting the good fight for LGBT rights.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Equality For All.

Tanya Barrios
Class of 2011
@tbarrios47 

Choosing Your Plane Seat Through A Social Network?

Something at work is wrong and I can't log on to Facebook and Twitter therefore rendering me useless for the time being. 

But, I could still log on to TechCrunch and found this AWESOME little article called "Choosing Your Airline Seat Based On Your Social Network." (http://techcrunch.com/2011/12/15/choosing-your-airline-seat-based-on-your-social-network/) 

Intrigued I clicked on the story. KLM Royal Dutch Airlines will be launching a service next year where customers can select their seatmates based on their friends or common interests. HOW COOL. Well at least for during the day flights. I think it doesn't really matter for red-eye's or early morning flights since every passes out anyway. I guess it also depends on the person - not everyone wants to necessarily converse with the people they're sitting next to but from my experience people are pretty friendly and intrigued in getting to know someone if they want to be. Doing this might be a positive - you might either not hate the person you're sitting next to or have an awful experience haha. (Odds being 50/50? wait, aren't the odds that already?!)

So apparently this "Meet & Seat" service will only be available through Facebook and LinkedIn but not Twitter.  Seeing as I'm HUGE on Twitter, it took a lot for me not to get upset at first. But I guess it makes sense. Facebook because of the brand/company/interest pages that you can like can match up. For LinkedIn, well - making connections, networking and making getting an interview just because you sit next to someone would be sweet. Though conversely, if you're the CEO of a company and someone sits down next to you who wants a job and keeps badgering you to talk to them could be really bad for this service. 

The article poses a question at the end that says if there is any part of human existence that won't have a social media component. Though at first thought, the only thing I could think of was going to brick and mortar stores and meeting people there - I can't say that social media hasn't taken over everything. It kind of has. People complain and vow to resist it, but social media and its pervasiveness in society has happened and will continue to happen in the future. But it's a stretch to ask that question sarcastically or make it seem like this fact is a bad thing. 

Yes, it might be a little depressing to think about, but honestly social media can only help if you want it to. As for this 'Meet & Seat,' I'm interested in what innovators think about the program and if it does actually work or not. Til then, cheers!