Joy

Lately I've been told to find my joy. To revel in it. To not let anyone take it away. But what does that mean? Is there an inherent joy I should be holding onto?

To me...joy is the space in time where for one instant the universe aligns. Everything comes together. A fleeting moment where you feel weightlessness from society's pressures. A vision where you say to yourself, "This. This is what I live for. This is what I want for myself." 

But what is joy really? A feeling? A notion? People talk about it so matter-of-factly but to be completely honest, it is an abstract construction of our own creation. We are told to "find happiness." "Attain joy." But how?

What I've concluded is that though joy is created, individuals go back in time to look for it. They look to what made them happy as children, teenagers, and young adults. They look to moments in time where places and people trigger nodes of recognition and safety that allowed them to give themselves to the universe.

But when it's gone; when it leaves, it is instantly replaced by sadness and longing. Longing to feel that joy again. Wanting to bask in its glory for days, years. An idealistic fantasy of what the world actually is. No, I don't mean to sound like a pessimist or a realist but maybe I'm stuck in limbo of wanting, needing and knowing. Maybe I haven't realized what I want for myself down the line. But I digress.

So how do I try to 'find' joy? I've come to realize that I have 'places.' Places in this world where time stops. Where I can sit for hours without my phone and just be. Be the individual I'm always trying so hard to find.

Sitting here in the Impressionism section of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I'm looking for who I used to be and who I want to continue to be through these paintings.  Each brush stroke tells a story and I merely want to be an avid listener of each tale. 

But my search for joy battles doubt. In going to these places, I find that I analyze and rationalize my actions since the last time I was here. What have I done since then? Have I accomplished anything? Am I a better person than I was months ago? Do others see me the way I see myself? The cacophony of questions racing through my mind seems endless but the silence these places hold puts them at ease. Whispering that, although I might not have it together at the moment, to keep living and creating good for others around me. Maybe selflessness wins out for me. Maybe doing things for others, as small as it might be, is that brings me ultimate joy. Maybe it's in the actions, the feelings, the happiness they stir. Even writing that brings a small smile to my face so possibly, I'm on the right track. I'm a big believer in attracting those with infectious, positive energy around me to continue espousing it into our world. Smiling doesn't take energy. Laughing doesn't take energy. And if they do, then so be it. 

Seeing the hoards of people surrounding me, carrying on with their daily lives, reminds me that the world is bigger that the one I've seemed to have created for myself. Maybe it's these paintings and all this time spent in these rooms that has me so sappy.

But today, at this moment, I find myself content to be surrounded by complete stranger for a common cause of appreciating beauty and paying homage to the work of those who came before us. It's a beautiful thing when love and appreciation triumph over everything else. I guess today I can claim joy. Own it to its fullest potential. Tomorrow begins the battle to find it all over again but for today, for this moment, I've won out.