Stream of Consciousness

Stream of consciousness. That's how people tell me I write so I guess I believe them. I guess the biggest thing for them is that I don't go back and revise my blog posts

Sorry I'm not sorry.

I like to think a lot. I mean yeah so does everyone else. But I mean I like being alone with my thoughts. Hanging out in a cafe for hours. I used to get antsy being alone. Now I relish in it. I know some enjoy people watching and occassionally I do too. But I've actually gotten to a point where I'm conscious about what other people think when I'm just sitting there. IF they're observing me, what do they think I'm thinking? Writing a paper? Goofing off on Facebook? Most people tell me that when I look at my computer screen I have a determined look on my face, like I'm working hard on something. Sorry to disappoint that my facial features don't translate to a school paper but I feel like blogging still quantifies it right?

I try not to think about tomorrow. What I'll be doing etc.

I have a hard time letting go of control. My mother, past relationships and friends can tell you that. I have a hard time letting go of control because I grew up always having to be in control of my own destiny. Or at least that's what I thought at the time. Being here in NYC exacerbated that control. I always need to plan my weekends days in advance, knowing what I'll be doing from one hour to the next but making sure my neuroticism was never written down. If it's not written down, no one will know how obsessive I am about it right? People say they admire me for always knowing what to see, what to do, where I'm going. But again, it's the control. It consumes me. That and the need to 'win.' The need to be the best. The need to be recognized without anything being explictly said. 

It's neurotic I know. I should go to a shrink, I know. But I feel like the events that have happened in my life have shaped me that way. Sometimes I feel bad for the person I'll end up with. How she'll have to be the complete opposite or be willing to fight with my control self. To make me let go, ditch plans and just be spontaneous. 

Though to be fair to myself, I feel like I'm spontaneous sometimes. But it's never when I already have plans. It's more of a 'let's go on an adventure' kind of way. I'll go, say to the park. And walk and walk. Then I'll stumble upon something and then something else. I don't know if I can call that spontaneousness but I like to think so. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that feels that way. That plus the ADD I've seemed to develop as I've gotten older. Maybe it's the city that did this to me. I've always been a naturally curious person, looking around and trying to take in as much as I can in the world around me. Sometimes I notice what I'm doing and laugh at myself for trying to take so much in when my brain is clearly in overload. 

I dont know what it is, but I feel that is one main reason I decied to go into social media. Social media changes in a flash. When it comes to actual platforms being built, the next viral video or link, or what people are saying about a brand. It's terrifying and yet exhilarating. And I love every minute of it.

Anyway, that's enough for my stream of consciousness for one day. Off to bed.