Stream of Consciousness

Stream of consciousness. That's how people tell me I write so I guess I believe them. I guess the biggest thing for them is that I don't go back and revise my blog posts

Sorry I'm not sorry.

I like to think a lot. I mean yeah so does everyone else. But I mean I like being alone with my thoughts. Hanging out in a cafe for hours. I used to get antsy being alone. Now I relish in it. I know some enjoy people watching and occassionally I do too. But I've actually gotten to a point where I'm conscious about what other people think when I'm just sitting there. IF they're observing me, what do they think I'm thinking? Writing a paper? Goofing off on Facebook? Most people tell me that when I look at my computer screen I have a determined look on my face, like I'm working hard on something. Sorry to disappoint that my facial features don't translate to a school paper but I feel like blogging still quantifies it right?

I try not to think about tomorrow. What I'll be doing etc.

I have a hard time letting go of control. My mother, past relationships and friends can tell you that. I have a hard time letting go of control because I grew up always having to be in control of my own destiny. Or at least that's what I thought at the time. Being here in NYC exacerbated that control. I always need to plan my weekends days in advance, knowing what I'll be doing from one hour to the next but making sure my neuroticism was never written down. If it's not written down, no one will know how obsessive I am about it right? People say they admire me for always knowing what to see, what to do, where I'm going. But again, it's the control. It consumes me. That and the need to 'win.' The need to be the best. The need to be recognized without anything being explictly said. 

It's neurotic I know. I should go to a shrink, I know. But I feel like the events that have happened in my life have shaped me that way. Sometimes I feel bad for the person I'll end up with. How she'll have to be the complete opposite or be willing to fight with my control self. To make me let go, ditch plans and just be spontaneous. 

Though to be fair to myself, I feel like I'm spontaneous sometimes. But it's never when I already have plans. It's more of a 'let's go on an adventure' kind of way. I'll go, say to the park. And walk and walk. Then I'll stumble upon something and then something else. I don't know if I can call that spontaneousness but I like to think so. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that feels that way. That plus the ADD I've seemed to develop as I've gotten older. Maybe it's the city that did this to me. I've always been a naturally curious person, looking around and trying to take in as much as I can in the world around me. Sometimes I notice what I'm doing and laugh at myself for trying to take so much in when my brain is clearly in overload. 

I dont know what it is, but I feel that is one main reason I decied to go into social media. Social media changes in a flash. When it comes to actual platforms being built, the next viral video or link, or what people are saying about a brand. It's terrifying and yet exhilarating. And I love every minute of it.

Anyway, that's enough for my stream of consciousness for one day. Off to bed.

Somebody That I Used To Know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die 
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember...

it's hard not to think of those moments. the small happy ones. my brain knows that my heart blinded me and that you were completely toxic to my being. The neediness, the negativity - I became attached to you as you did to me. One semester of happiness is all I seem to remember in the midst of all the bad. So many times I wanted to break up but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to fail.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

I didn't know how to fail but I wanted to so badly. I wanted to stay friends in the midst of everything and yet deep down we both knew that was a bad idea. There would always be resentment. There would always be anger. Fighting. 

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

The best way to sum up everything I feel. It's weird that this song is just now getting popular. But when I think of you I feel like I don't know who you are, what you stand for, or if i ever even knew you at all. It's not hard for me to look back on what happened because all I can think of is how glad I am that it's over. But at the moment when you cut me off, I'm not going to say it didn't hurt. And all I got in response was 'take care' That's all you were good for though. You were always shifting in emotions. I could never get a straight read. Straight. Hah. How ironic is that?

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

The cheating, the lying, the fights. Now that I think about it, you always used to spin it on me. That it was my fault. That I was making you unhappy. That you didn't know who to turn to. And yet I kept taking you back. All the bullshit excuses. All the pain and worry I went through were all in vain. You did it to yourself. You did it me ME and yet I was to blame for all of it. It took me a long time to get over that. And a long time to forgive myself for being such an idiot because you shouldn't have been worth my time from the very beginning. 

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
HAve your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know.

But now you're somebody that I used to know. And I'm at peace with that. Thank you. Thank you for everything you did. I'll always remember you as the girl that taught me everything not to do in a relationship. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve someone better and what standards I have for my next relationship. Thank you for being somebody that I used to know.

 

And for the best version of this song check this out:

(Lyrics from 'Somebody That I Used to Know' - Gotye ft Kimbra)